


Not a Dream

by pebbles12345



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15 x 13 coda, Angel's Emotions, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Makes a Deal with The Shadow (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Dean Winchester Actually Deals With Feelings, Dean Winchester Has Internalized Homophobia, First Kiss, Jack's Guilt, Jack's soul, John's A+ Parenting, M/M, Post Episode s15e13, Series Quotes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25076125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pebbles12345/pseuds/pebbles12345
Summary: Dean is in his room thinking about Jack's apology after regaining his soul. After waking up in the early morning, he prays for Cas to come to his room because he wants to know how Angel emotions work anyway. He gets more than he bargained for when a tired Castiel confesses he loves the green-eyed hunter. This confession causes Dean to take a good long look at his own soul, all while relying on the Angel's bravery to see him through it.This takes place after 15 x 13, "Destiny's Child".Deals with Castiel's deal with the Empty, Dean's internalized homophobia brought about by his upbringing, and a shot at the apple pie life.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 108





	Not a Dream

**Author's Note:**

> I just got done watching the available episodes of Season 15 on Netflix, and the idea for this fic popped into my head. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> This story does deal with internalized homophobia, as it is addressed in and throughout the tale. 
> 
> I do not own Supernatural.

Listening to Jack bare his literal soul was draining on everyone. The boy’s three fathers tucked him into his bed after the Nephilim fell asleep with tears streaming down his face at the table. Cas carried the boy to his room and stayed to watch over him as Dean and Sam left.

Dean went straight to his room, ignoring Sam, hoping his little brother would get the hint. He did, and left Dean to his own thoughts.

Dean laid down on his bed, ran his hand over his face, and just let the tears fall.

_“I, I… I loved her.”_ Dean closed his eyes, remembering Jack’s words. _“In the other world, I did everything I could to save her. She, she helped bring me here, into the world. She was kind to my mom.”_ Chuck, how the kid cried at that, Cas’s hand rubbing small circles on his back. _“She always helped me stay on track, always believed in me. She was gonna stay with me when Bobby was going to kick us out.”_ And here the boy buried his face in his arms and Cas got off his seat to envelop him in an embrace, it took a few minutes for the boy to continue.

_“When Kevin had that spell carved on his chest it was going to kill everyone but me, because Michael wanted me broken, not dead. I knew that losing everyone around us was going to be tough, was going to be hard because I liked them all but losing her would have broken me.”_ Dean remembers the kid’s earnest look, his eyes brimming with tears and emotion cutting through his voice. _“I pulled her to me when the explosion hit and covered her with my wings. Even though I healed, there’s still a burn mark on some of the feathers and I see the char when they’re pulled from the other plane.”_ The tears escaped here, Cas once more resuming the circles.

_“I lost my soul and I killed her. I killed my second mom too.”_ It was here the hysterics began, the boy hiccupping with sobs. No amount of soothing from the Angel could bring the boy calm, and his weeping eventually caused his slumber.

Dean had been plagued with visions of his mom since her death. And he missed her so much. But hearing Jack’s pain, hearing the pain from the boy he wanted to kill only months before, hearing it from the mouth of the boy who killed her, remorse and agony seeping from the Nephilim’s every pore brought the hunter a new kind of anguish, the anguish of losing a mom and seeing his child in so much pain. He let the tears fall and hoped they would bring him sleep as well.

When the eldest Winchester woke, he looked at his watch and saw it was a little before four am. He was no longer tired, and he had a question he thought his best friend might be able to answer. He sent a silent prayer to the Angel, not wanting to ruin his comfortable spot on the bed. He told the angel not to bother knocking.

Cas entered Dean’s room and put his trench coat and suit jacket on the back of the chair before sitting down. His sleeves were rolled up and his tie was even looser than normal, the top two buttons of his shirt undone. The seraph looked tired, and Dean suddenly remembered Cas saying he was losing his powers, and guilt panged at his conscience.

“Yes, Dean?”

“Uh…” so Dean’s strong suit was not talking, so sue him. “So, you don’t have a soul right?”

Cas looked exhausted, and over it. “No, Dean. You know this.”

The hunter tried to ignore his best friend’s obvious annoyance. “Okay, but then how are you, _you_?”

The eyebrow arched and brow furrowed. Cas’s signature, _‘you are asking me a question I do not understand, human.’_

“Like, how are you, how do you almost cry when you’re upset? How do mourn like you do, how do you care so damn much, man?”

Castiel at once understood the basis of Dean’s question. He leaned forward in his seat and clasped his hands between his knees. “You are asking me why Jack’s lack of a soul caused him to do so much damage to people he loves?”

Dean nodded, a gesture which would have been lost to a human in the dark room, but not an Angel.

“There are two reasons for that Dean. One, Jack is a Nephilim, not an Angel. He was meant to have a soul. Think of Jenna, she killed her grandmother simply because she wanted to see how it felt. Donatello, on the other hand, is able to operate without his because he has Mr. Roger’s code. Jack knew the difference between right and wrong, as Donatello does, but his power caused the rage bubbling inside of him to escape, overriding his moral compass. Even though he was soulless and did not feel the pain, he understood the gravity of what he did. He was actually having visions of Lucifer at the time, telling him that we would never love him again.”

“Even in a vision he’s a bag of dicks.”

Cas hummed in agreement. “Two, Jack’s grace is not his own. At the beginning it was Lucifer’s, still is in some regards, it is regenerating, and now it is Michael’s. Jack’s grace was not created simply for him. Just as humans are their souls, Angels are their grace. We are the equivalent of souls, energy running free and rampant. Our true forms are streams of energy. Our grace reveals the truths about ourselves, and other angels can easily get a read on who we are from a simple look. Although, some angels have learned how to hide things within our grace. So, Jack has had to adapt to using and feeling grace that he was not born with, and this grace works in conjunction with his soul because he is a Nephilim. The two are required to keep him in balance, his life force strong. When he was without his soul, he wasn’t who he was meant to be. Not that that is an excuse. As I have told him.”

“The things he said tonight, man, they uh, got to me.”

“Me too, Dean.”

Dean shifted on the bed to get a better look at Cas, although the dimness of the room took away his perception. Human eyes and all. “You still didn’t answer my question.”

He saw the whites of Castiel’s eyes as they looked up at him. “Why am I the way that I am?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah, well, my grace is mine, for one thing. I am able to control it.”

“Bullshit.”

Cas smirked, an expression Dean was able to almost feel, since he certainly couldn’t see it in the dark.

“You were worried about us with your stolen grace. That’s when you ran here and saved me from killing Sammy with a hammer.”

“I suppose the residual grace within me kept my form from anatomically changing.”

“Bullshit.”

Cas leaned back in the seat and let amusement take over his features. “Perhaps your questions should be a little more specific, Dean. As you have pointed out on numerous occasions, I am a very literal being.”

Dean cleared his throat and rubbed his hand down his chin. This was not how he was expecting this night to go. “All right, all right. Why do you care about me and Sam so much? Don’t put this on your grace or whatever. Because you were like this with borrowed grace, your grace, or human. Hell, you even cared when you were stuffed full of souls. You apologized when you were god, man.”

Cas thought about his deal with the empty and closed his eyes. If he told Dean now, then Dean would reject him, and then he knew his happiness would never come to fruition and he could exist with Jack for eternity. However long their eternity would be. They still had to fight Chuck. And who knew who would survive that fight? But could he risk alienating Dean when they had such a terse battle ahead?

“I think you know why Dean.”

Dean thought and allowed his head to crash back onto the pillow. _“I love you. I love all of you.”_

“How do you even do that buddy, I mean, it’s not like you have a soul to let you have emotion.”

“No, I do not. And before I met your soul, before I dragged it out of hell, I felt nothing. However, I eventually learned that was because I was brainwashed multiple times.”

Dean winced, the feeling of Cas’s blows leaving phantom pain across his cheeks. A pain Cas healed as soon as the connection to Naomi was broken.

“I have learned, on my trips back to Heaven, that I was an Angel who lamented killing Egypt’s firstborn. I tried to talk my stronger brethren into talking with God to take pity on those in Sodom and Gomorrah. I asked for the Nephilim children to be spared, their parents to be spoken with. I wished to have more arks built. I have always cared for humanity, Dean. There are volumes on me in Heaven.”

Dean chuckled, “Always a badass, huh, Cas?”

The Angel made a ‘hum’ sound. “I have had my ass handed to me multiple times, Dean.”

“But you always got back up. That’s what matters.”

The Angel simply closed his eyes.

_“Castiel? Oh, he’s, he’s not here. You see he has this weakness, he likes you.”_ Dean remembers Uriel’s words uttered to him over a decade ago.

“Okay, so you always had this thing for humanity, got it. But this is different, right? Me and Sam?”

“Well, my admiration has been focused on the two of you for quite some time, yes. Before it was the entire world, now, although I still care for and admire humanity as a whole, my worldview has been sized down considerably.”

“From seven billion to two? Yeah, I’d say so.” Dean laughed sarcastically, trying to ease the tension from such a weighty confession.

“Not two, no. I do have very human failings where that is concerned, yes. But my adoration extends beyond you and Sam. I love Jack and consider myself one of his fathers. I care for Claire in a very similar way, although she is not mine in the sense Jack is. I care for Alex, Patience, Kaia, Jody, Donna, Eileen, Bobby, Garth, and I loved Mary and Charlie.”

Dean fought against the bubble rising in his throat. Cas just casually mentioned all the people he and Sam care about.

“Okay, but how do you love?” He finally managed to squeak out, hoping his voice didn’t betray him.

The Angel sighed, the question a weight he didn’t plan on bearing. “It swirls within my grace, much the same way it does in human souls. Angels were not created to love; we were created to be soldiers. However, God allowed us free-will in much the same way he allowed humans. Although we know more about that then we were before privy to.”

Dean scoffed, “Yeah.”

“So,” the celestial being continued, “some of us developed feelings, emotions within our grace. They were usually ‘corrected’ by Heaven. As I mentioned, I have been corrected many times. Our emotions can be seen on our grace, in our true forms. Most angels only have anger, or a type of pride, both of which are to be considered ‘righteous’. I, on the other hand, exhibit more emotions than those, and have been disciplined or ridiculed for it by my brethren.”

_“You’re confusing me with the other angel. You know, the one in the dirty trench coat who’s in love with you.”_

_“Too much heart was always Castiel’s problem.”_

_“When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost.”_

Dean sat up against the headboard, why were these words from other angels so vivid now?

“Can, uh, can Jack see your grace emotion?”

He heard Cas snicker. “I believe Jack can feel both Angel and human emotion, yes. They are more like colors, Dean, that swirl within our life force.”

“So, he knows?” Dean began to fidget, playing with the sheet, suddenly aware he was on a bed and Cas was practically naked in his room. Okay, not naked, just without the coat and jacket. But, near enough naked for Cas.

Cas decided to feign ignorance. One, because he didn’t want to full on admit it, and two, because hearing Dean say the word ‘love’ in any capacity was a beautiful thing to hear. Like honey pouring from a bottle.

Of course, the hunter had to clear his throat. He was now grateful for the dark, since it covered the flush he now felt on his cheeks.

“That you love us.” Okay, the ‘us’ made it bearable.

Cas smiled sadly, the corners of his mouth slightly flicking upwards in a type of tick.

“Yes, Dean, he knows. However, I don’t think he would have to see it on my grace to know that.”

“What?”

The Angel once more leaned forward in the chair and clasped his hands in-between his knees. He checked Dean’s heart and breathing rates and noticed an extra bit of blood flowing to his cheeks. The Angel who had learned how to be a bit of a smartass truly smiled to himself.

“I do not believe my emotions are too well-hidden Dean. I believe even The Empty knows I love you.”

The Angel noted how more blood went to the hunter’s face and his heartrate increased by twenty beats per minute. He wondered if he should go and calm it, he would continue to monitor the signs. He thought it best to stay in the chair at this point.

“Us.”

Cas sighed once more. “Dean, if you need me to phrase it that way, I will. Of course, I love you, Sam and Jack. But you, I love differently. And I think you know that too.”

Dean ran his hands again over his face. He needed a drink, like yesterday. Why did he even call Cas to come to his room at four in the morning to talk about the Angel’s emotions of all things? And how the hell was he gonna get out of this? He didn’t need another being to lose. But hell, losing him last time almost killed him. And as if Cas could pick up on his train of thought, he once more began talking.

“Jack brought me back for you, Dean.”

Well, that was news. “What?” He practically coughed out.

“Jack knew me when he was in the womb, yes, and he did miss me. But he couldn’t miss me entirely because he had never truly known me, not like he does now. He heard you that night, heard your pain, knew you resented him for my death. And he felt your soul call out to me, my grace, but it couldn’t reach as it had done so many times before. So, his grace responded to it, and he called out for me, waking me up. Not for himself, not for his soul, but for yours.”

Dean felt as if he had been kicked in the gut by an Angel. And all he could reply on was the part that hit him the hardest, “My soul calls out to your grace?”

He felt the Angel nod. “Yes, perhaps it was the connection made so long ago when I rebuilt you. Perhaps it is my grace that still lingers on your arm. Perhaps it is simply my love for you, that radiates throughout my grace in such strong waves other Angels, and some demons, feel the need to comment on it.”

Cas really wasn’t holding back was he? Dean needed to get it together, but the Seraph kept talking.

“I have been mocked for my feelings, turned out of my home, rebuilt, brainwashed, tortured, all because all of heaven, hell, and earth know that you are my weakness, Dean.”

Dean Winchester, because he is not the best with emotions, especially without a bottle of whiskey, thought the best approach to dealing with the Angel he called into his room before dawn would be an indirect one.

“You know how me and Sammy have had some epic fights over the years?”

He could sense the Angel’s agitation in his mumble of an affirmative. The annoyance made him chuckle a bit.

“Well, we always make up, and uh, he’s my weakness, Cas.”

“Um-hum.” The annoyance rolled off the being in waves.

“But uh, but, Jack was right. I was so bitter, Cas, when you were gone, when Lucifer killed you. And man, I just about had given up, you know? Nothing seemed worth it anymore and I was so hard on that kid.”

Silence. Okay, better than an annoyed mumble.

“Sam was trying to cheer me up with strip clubs and a shit ton of beer. And I just didn’t feel anything. I kinda felt like I did all those years ago when Famine told me there was nothing in me to want. I didn’t want anything Cas.” Dean decided to just plunge in here, let it out, hell, why not right? It was the end of the world, again. “Except you, man.”

Cas let the admission wash over him, his grace swirling with fondness for the green-eyed hunter. But he didn’t comment, he wasn’t going to let Dean off that easily. Even though the man’s prayer in purgatory meant a lot, he was still hurt. Even though love radiated off him in waves, he still felt Dean’s absence when they were at odds. He knew what Rowena saw that day they were in hell, he knew the witch knew from the moment they were trying to get the Mark off Dean’s arm. And yeah, Rowena put them through some shit. But she was still a classy lady. Castiel knew Rowena flirted with him to throw Dean off. And the Seraph appreciated it, even though she made him a rabid angel. That day in hell, when she told them to fix it, she thought maybe now would be their only chance to finally get their sticks out of their asses. Castiel knew why Sam was so fond of her.

_“Too damn long_.”

When Dean got Mary back, he gave her the years. When he got Cas back, he simply said ‘too damn long.’ If that wasn’t telling, he didn’t know what was.

“I was so much better when we got you back. You were our win.”

Castiel furrowed his brow. “Why do you do that, Dean?”

“Do what?”

“Why do you say ‘we’ or ‘our’?”

Dean figured the Angel wasn’t going to pull punches in this emotionally charged conversation and he was right.

“You know why, Cas.”

“No, I do not. Is there something to be afraid of Dean, something that I do not know about? These walls are soundproof, no one will hear but me. And I hope that you know I will never betray your confidence.”

Dean rolled his head back and forth against the headboard, once more thinking about his vulnerability in the bed and the half-naked Angel sitting in the chair.

“I’m not good with all this stuff.”

“With using your words?”

Dean turned his head so quickly to the Angel that Cas was afraid he’d get whiplash.

“Did you talk to Sam?”

Cas chuckled. “No, Dean. Again, I do not betray confidences, even my own. However, I am sure your brother has an inkling.”

“How?”

Now it was Cas’s turn to roll his head. “Dean, I am not exactly withholding in my affection for you. I fell from Heaven for you, rebelled for you, I was hunted by my brethren for you. I turned down an army of Angels for you. I sucked up the souls in purgatory so that you would not be asked to be Michael’s vessel by Raphael for you. And yes, that went terribly wrong, and I feel horrible for that every single day, but I did not want to disturb you and the life you seemed so content in. Dean, I know you believe I screw everything up, but all my screw-ups, everything I have tried and failed at has come from a place of love, for you. I do not say that to place blame on anyone other than myself, for all of those things were and are my fault. I simply phrase it that way to let you know how far my love has gone and continues to go.”

Dean sucked in a breath quickly.

The Angel continued, “How could Sam not know?”

“Cas…” was all the hunter could manage to get out. “You don’t screw up everything.”

“Do I not?”

“Man, no. I was a dick saying that. You, damn it, you are the reason the world is still here, you know that?”

“Dean, I am simply a guest star on the Sam and Dean show. I help, but that’s it.”

Screw it. “Cas, come here.”

The Angel’s brow furrowed in confusion. “On your bed?”

“Yeah, on my bed.”

Dean tucked his legs up underneath him so the Angel could sit opposite. He could feel Cas’s hesitation, and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t hesitant himself. Cas mimicked the hunter’s posture. He tilted his head, hoping Dean would explain the necessity for this change of seating.

“You are not a guest star anywhere, man. You, you stopped the apocalypse. I wouldn’t have lasted had it not been for you. I know he’s not in our good graces anymore, but do you remember that look Chuck gave you when you said we were making it up as we went, when I went to stop Sammy? Damn, he was proud. And yeah, maybe it was his story or whatever, but you Cas, you’re a fricking star of that show. And I know Sam thinks it right now, but I don’t man, we made some of these choices ourselves, and we’ve gone off script.”

“You didn’t feel that way before, Dean.”

“Yeah, because I lost my mom and my kid, and you left.”

Cas looked down at his hands, now clasped in his lap. “I was tired of being the recipient of your unbridled anger, but I have forgiven you, I understand why you push me away.”

“I don’t.” Dean said it so softly Cas might not have heard it were it not for the fact he was a celestial being.

“Don’t you, Dean?”

The hunter forced down his fear and met his best friend’s gaze, the blue eyes boring into his soul. Beautiful blue eyes boring into his soul. Eyes he could never seem to get enough of, even though they were shoved into a man’s skull. Which brought another question into Dean’s mind.

“So, your vessel is all you now?”

Castiel was accustomed to the change of topics from the hunter, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t exasperated by them.

“Yes, all me Dean. All of my celestial intent the size of the Chrysler building shoved into a six-foot-tall man.”

The angel was getting fairly good at sarcasm. Dean felt the corners of his mouth twitch up.

“So like, no shared housing, you feel everything?”

“I feel everything intently, there is no soul here, this is all me. I feel everything I did as an angel in this human body. I believe I am probably the only angel who has ever gotten to experience that.”

“Intently, huh?” Why did Dean let that slip out? He blushed and shifted in his seat. He didn’t miss his best friend’s smirk. Asshole.

“So why Jimmy?”

Cas tilted his head. “We have been over this Dean. Jimmy’s bloodline…” He was interrupted by an impatient hunter.

“No, but why Jimmy when Chuck resurrected you, in your own handmade vessel?”

“Oh, I suppose because he thought this was the vessel you would enjoy most.”

Dean coughed; had he been drinking something it would have spewed all over Cas.

“What?”

Cas rolled his eyes. “You were most familiar with this vessel. And I have only been resurrected to help you.”

“Oh.”

“Why do you do that, Dean?”

“What?”

“Act as if this vessel is repulsive?”

“You’re a dude, Cas.”

“I am not a ‘Dude.’” complete with air quotes.

“Yeah, right, whatever, multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent, but your vessel has a dick.”

And damn it, if that angel didn’t look down and move the thing in his hands. Dean looked anywhere else but his friend’s crotch. Neither did he look at his own, because it seemed to be doing things. And damn it again, if that Angel didn’t smirk at the knowledge of where his blood was flowing.

“So it does.”

“Screw you Cas.” It was said in a lighthearted manner that made both men smile.

“I understand your not being able to reciprocate my feelings Dean, and perhaps I do lament I was not brought back in a female vessel, if not only to experience all things with you. Would that be a consideration, if my vessel were female?”

Dean didn’t even think before he spoke, which was a dumbass move, it was like mouth diarrhea. “Dude, Cas, if you were a chick, I’m pretty sure I would’ve tried to get with you right after you came back from the dead the first time. After you branded us. Damn, you were hot killing those angels and threatening that dick Zachariah. And with those blue eyes of yours and black hair? Damn.” And there was the downflow of blood again. Of course, all of that was the wrong thing to say.

Cas nodded sadly and went to get off the bed.

Shit, shit, shit. Dean grabbed Cas’s wrist to stop him. He noticed his best friend’s eyes glistened.

“Shit, Cas, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“Yes, you did Dean. It’s fine, I promise. You need to rest.”

He held his grip. “Please, Cas, don’t leave, okay? Just hear me out, okay? You’ve said a lot of stuff tonight, just let me try and say mine, okay?”

“Stuff, Dean?”

“Damn it, Cas, please, just sit.”

The Angel reluctantly did so. Dean felt his gaze drift to the Angel’s lips. And why did he do that so often? Probably because he wanted to kiss him. Unconsciously he licked his bottom lip before meeting his friend’s gaze once more. No wonder Cas was mad, the mixed signals he was giving were abundant. 

Cas’s brow furrowed into confusion at the hunter’s obvious desire.

“I uh, I got a lot of hang ups, you know? Where this” he gestured between himself and the Angel, “is concerned. I was kinda raised to believe that I can’t be a real man if I uh, like men. And I didn’t say what I said to hurt you, I said it so you could understand how much I…”

Dean trailed off, his eyes going to his hands. Unlike in purgatory his Angel was not letting him off the hook. He was going to have to continue this. He breathed deeply, trying to steel his nerves.

“How much I want you.”

He did it. He made himself meet Cas’s eyes, his hands shaking from nerves.

“And had you been in a chick’s body, I would’ve told you a long time ago. That’s the only reason I said that, so you’d understand.” Even though Dean hadn’t really thought before he said it, he realized it was the truth. He wanted Cas to understand the desire had been there before, even if he could not have admitted it then.

“And now?”

Dean closed his eyes and balled up the fists that were in his lap. “I… I love you Cas. Damn, I think I’m in love with you, because your death, even your absence, always hits me different, always makes me wanna give up, and that’s not normal for me, you know? Sammy knows it’s not normal. Shit man, Mom even saw it in that hug, when you came looking for Sammy and thought I was dead.” He opened his eyes to face the consequences.

Deep blue eyes filled with tears and hope and promise and so much love held his gaze.

“I love you too, Dean. So, so much. From the first time I laid eyes on you in hell I loved you. You sparked a color within my grace that has only grown over time. I am in love with your soul, your mind, and your body. The body I rebuilt from atoms, the body I put more effort into than any mission I received from heaven. The body I have tried to keep safe ever since.”

Dean let tears escape his green eyes. He put his hand on Cas’s cheek and warmth spread throughout his body as the Angel leaned into it and closed his eyes. The hunter had never been loved so fully.

“I still don’t know what to do Cas, you still have a dick.”

The Angel laughed, warm breath tickling Dean’s wrist, which caused more heat to flood his body.

“We don’t have to do anything Dean, not really. I understand.”

“You really do, don’t you?”

The Angel opened his eyes, took Dean’s hand, kissed his knuckles one by one, which made Dean feel all sorts of things, then returned the hand to Dean’s lap.

“I adore you, Dean Winchester, and I will continue to adore you as long as I exist. I am willing to stay by your side in any capacity as long as you will have me.”

Dean did not deserve this angel. A freakin’ angel was in love with him. And he was doing what? Turning that down because of an appendage? He could get through this, hell, he could get over this. He truly didn’t judge, it was just because of his upbringing he felt like this in the first place. He was clearly attracted to Cas, he stared at his lips enough to know that. He wanted to kiss them, wanted to taste them. He wanted to feel that stubble underneath his hand. And the eyes and sex hair did things to him. If he was being honest it did things to him back in that barn.

And what about after he got out of purgatory, and came out of the bathroom all clean? Yeah, that was definite attraction. And he always made up some excuse to touch the man’s clothes, and him in general. And he watched as he undid his buttons before going on that ‘date’ with Nora. Yeah, there was attraction there. And was he really even fully straight? There was that stuff that was a ‘mistake’ back at that bar on the non-werepire case that he definitely enjoyed. So maybe no, the dick didn’t matter. And of course, this wasn’t gonna be a one and done, this was Cas, and Cas had his back and he would take things as slow as Dean wanted and Dean was so safe with him, but…

“What if it doesn’t work out?”

“Hum?” The angel was practically glowing from being loved back.

“What if we do this, and it doesn’t work out?”

“Well, it’s worked out for eleven years now.” Cas smiled, a real true smile which was rare for the angel and made Dean’s heart swell with affection.

“We fight a lot, Cas.”

“Because we care, Dean.”

“Yeah, but I can’t lose you, not again, man, and if it’s over a breakup?”

“I love you, Dean. No, it may not work out, no one ever truly knows. However, now that we have this, I assure you, I will do whatever in my power to ensure we continue to have it. And from what I know of you, you will do the same.”

“Take your shoes off.”

Cas obliged.

Dean patted the space next to him and they both laid down, facing one another. Dean needed to get another pillow for the Angel. That realization hit him in the stomach hard, he was planning on this being a normal thing. Could this be his apple pie life?

Cas reached his hand out and began stroking Dean’s cheek. “Is this all right?”

“Yeah, man. Look, I don’t think I’m as straight as I think I am, I just have a lot to deal with and a lot to work on, but I want this with you, okay? I want all of you. And I know Sammy will help me with it. And I know doing this will be another weakness, but like you said, everything that will use us against each other knows anyway.”

“You want this with me?”

“Shit, Cas. Yes. I…”

Dean just went for it, he pulled the Angel closer to him and kissed those lips he’d been staring at for over a decade. Lips that were shaped perfectly, almost as if they were too good to be real. Lips that tasted like honey and fresh air and grace, and Cas. Electricity and heat ran through both Angel and Hunter and they got so caught up in the pureness, the love, and the lust that Dean forgot to breathe. Cas broke their kiss, causing Dean to feel rejection and abandonment, two feelings that always lingered just below his surface.

Cas smiled, “I would have liked for that to continue for eons, Dean, but you are human and need to breathe.”

Dean snorted as he rested his head on Cas’s chest, breathing deeply. “Damn lungs needing damn air. That was really good, Cas. Pizza man?”

Cas began to run his hand through Dean’s hair. “You deserve much more than the pizza man, Dean. That was simply a physical manifestation of my love for you.”

Well, there must have been pepper in the air because Dean definitely wasn’t crying from those words. “Shit, Cas. How have I been so stupid all these years?”

“Well, we’re not being stupid now. How do you feel about that?”

Dean breathed in deeply, knowing Cas was going to ask. “I enjoyed it, as you could probably tell. I uh, actually kinda like the stubble, kinda a turn on.”

Cas laughed. “Well then, I guess when I become human you will have to help me keep it this way.”

Dean pulled his head off his chest immediately and looked at the Angel. “What?”

Cas ran his finger along Dean’s jawline. Which caused the hunter to not want to continue conversation but to continue something else.

“Dean, when Jack was dead the first time, and in Heaven, I made a deal with the Empty to get him back.”

Cas could feel the anger radiating off his hunter. “There was no other way to get Jack back. The Empty wanted him because of the Angelic side of our son. I told it to take me instead.”

“Cas, you stupid, self-sacrificing, son of a bitch!” Tears welled in green eyes.

Cas smiled softly. “What would you have done in my stead?”

Dean softened. “I’m not saying I’m not a stupid, self-sacrificing, son of a bitch too, but it is stupid. And you just handed yourself to him, what a day ago?”

“Dean, let me continue please.”

The hunter hid his face on Cas’s chest and let the Angel resume stroking his hair, which felt so pure and loving he couldn’t help but melt into it.

“The empty accepted my offer but said it would only collect when I was happy and allowed the sun to shine on my face.”

“It was really pissed off you woke it up wasn’t it?”

Cas slightly chuckled. “Yes, holds a grudge. So, I plan to become human when this is all over, after my extra strength is needed, before I can become truly happy. Although this…” He moves his other hand to encircle Dean’s back, “makes everything we are facing much more bearable.”

“You think that’ll work, becoming human? And you hated it so much last time.” Dean winces, remembering kicking a brand new human Castiel out of the bunker.

“Only because I was without you.”

“But losing your grace, isn’t that painful?”

Cas readjusts them in the bed, putting the pillow behind his head since Dean is using his chest as one.

“Yes, it is painful. My wings will be ripped from me and I will lose my essence, essentially. However, I will be given a soul, and I will still be me. I will have to adjust, but I hope to have you this time.”

“Cas, you will have me the rest of your human life, I mean… if you want.” Dean couldn’t imagine someone wanting him that long, or really in the first place.

Cas continued stroking his hair. “I would very much like that. Perhaps I have watched too many ‘chick flick’ movies, but I envision us sharing a house a few doors down from Sam and Eileen. Jack visiting whenever he can. I would like to live near a lake, so we can fish. I could have a garden, maybe some hives. It would be nice to live fairly close to Jody and the girls.”

A frickin’ angel of the Lord bearing his grace to his human. Dean felt pesky tears slip down onto Cas’s stupid white dress shirt.

“You wanna retire with me?”

“I believe that after this war is over, it will be the final one. And the sun will shine on us both. To answer your question, yes Dean, I would like to retire with you. I would like to do anything and everything with you, if you’ll have me.”

In response Dean balls up Cas’s shirt in his hand and returns his lips once more to Cas’s. This time, he makes sure to remember to breathe.

“I’ll have you anytime, Angel.”

“That might be a more meaningful nickname once I am human Dean. For now, you are just calling me by my species.”

Dean laughs against Cas’s lips and presses them once more together. He is getting the hang of this, and honestly the stubble and short hair he grips in his hand really is frickin’ hot.

They don’t take anything further than kissing that night, but Dean realizes he wants more, which makes him hopeful. He truly wants Cas, in every way. This makes him realize that he will be happy, completely happy with the human Castiel on a lake property with a garden and hives and maybe a dog, and who knows, even kids? The thought warms him through completely, and he kisses Castiel once more, to ensure that this is in fact, not a dream.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!!


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